‘Mommies Tell All’

A big hug and thanks to @JadeLizRoper and @CarlyWad for having me as a guest on their Mommies Tell All podcast. The episode is called “Food For Thought with Donna Britt”.

We chitchat about the lifelong journey of motherhood – wander into the ‘comfort food’ aisle …and I share the best advice I ever got about losing guilt.

Speaking of … GUILT. For the first half of my life I thought it was a mandatory emotion/feeling that never went away and whether or not I was doing anything to purposefully harm anyone, it was this constant, nagging ‘thing’ that never receded and caused much internal grief. It seemed no matter how I behaved or what conscious (or not!) choices I made GUILT was always right there by my side! I felt guilty for thinking certain thoughts or for wanting to say a cuss
word, even if I never actually uttered the word! I felt guilt for others’ wrongdoings, as if I could have somehow prevented them.

With that kind of heavy (and what I learned later, unhealthy) guilt, it was out of the question to ever actually allow my own feelings to emerge. How dare I feel sad when there were so many people feeling sadder, who really had something to feel sad about?! How dare I feel angry because my anger could upset someone else and upsetting someone else could be hurtful to that someone else. How dare I … well, as you can see, this could go on and on. I was virtually a shut down, buttoned-up, ‘good girl’ who dared not cross any lines or raise any ruckus whatsoever!

It worked for me. Or so it seemed. I made good grades, I stayed out of trouble, I took care of my younger brothers without complaint, I did the dishes every night, I came home by my curfew. I didn’t smoke or drink or go too far on dates (old-fashioned term there, not sure what the current vernacular is). Yet, I was convinced I was causing harm to others by my very existence. Then I got married, got pregnant, and had a couple babies. GUILT multiplies when you add offspring, especially the unhealthy variety.

Where, you may be wondering, did all that crazy guilt come from?? Good question. I really don’t know. I was not beaten or burned with cigarettes as a child. I wasn’t sexually abused. My parents were young and argued (loudly) often … but I was loved and cared for and had plenty to eat. Anyway, just so you know, I didn’t have some huge trauma causing all that guilt but I don’t want to get into that. I want to get back to the GUILT, particularly the ‘MOM GUILT’ you may be experiencing.

As Jade, Carly and I chatted, it seemed like ‘guilt’ was quite relatable to them as young mothers. Since I hadn’t talked to many young mothers as of late, it was such an odd, interesting feeling for them to be looking to me as an older mom who maybe had some answers! I assured them I didn’t have any answers at all  only crazy, funny stories that seemed to make more sense in retrospect.

I did, however, have something to say about all that guilt they seemed to be feeling. LOSE IT. LOSE THE GUILT. IT’S NOTHING MORE THAN A WORD IN THE DICTIONARY FOR THE MOST PART.

Now, don’t get me wrong. There is a reason guilt happens to us humans. It has a place for sure. It’s an aversive emotion that is supposed to come around to discourage behaviors that threaten our ability to get along with others. Getting along with others is how our species needs to function in order to survive. So, guilt can be an important tool in maintaining standards of right and wrong in society as a whole.

The problem is, and I attribute it to modern culture, is FALSE GUILT also known as BLAMING OURSELVES. That kind of guilt, which is typically what most of us moms feel, is unreasonable, inappropriate and unhealthy. That’s the guilt we need to lose.

If someone is truly an unfit mother, someone who physically harms or neglects their children with no remorse or whatever, then that person is gonna have some real guilt and hopefully that will be a part of them turning their life around.

For the most of us, feeling guilty about taking a bath without a kid in the room, or taking a walk with a friend minus the 3-year-olds or feeding everyone PB&J for dinner for a third time this week is the kind of guilt I’m advocating for losing!

Seriously, most of the things I felt guilty about when my kiddos were little, were things they never even realized and certainly don’t remember. When I tell them stories about my guilty feelings about whatever, they typically laugh and tell me their own memory of something that happened that I can’t even recall. And if they’re upset, it’s usually about something they remember that I don’t remember and it’s never, ever about the stuff that I was feeling horribly guilty about at the time! Really. I’m not kidding.

Besides, we all suck as parents. We may be good at one thing or the other but we definitely suck at something. And kids seem to hone in on the ‘sucky’ stuff.
Tune in to the podcast to hear my story about my daughter’s post-college phone call to me and you’ll get a real-life story of what I’m talking about 

Bottom line – when I did get that advice about losing the bad, unhealthy kind of guilt, at first, I didn’t believe it. But then, just for grins, I started practicing losing the guilt; not allowing myself to feel guilty about everything, and before long, I began to get better at choosing when it was appropriate to feel guilty and when it was just me blaming myself for things.

All that guilt I had been carrying around for years had caused me to be overly-responsible, overly-conscientious, emotionally blocked and unable to live my fullest live and be the best version of me I could be at any given time!

I figure the only way to really navigate this parenthood thing is to be the best version of ourselves we can be at any given time and set the best example we can. Is my example better now than it was 20 years ago? Yes, probably. You do learn along the way. And as you learn and live, your perspective widens and changes and what you thought you knew you realize you didn’t. But, hey, we do the best we can with the information we have at the time.

Before I go, we did talk about food, comfort food in particular. A few recipes I mentioned can be found in a couple of the cookbooks Tambi and I have worked on together including: From “The Cash and Carter Family Cookbook” - June’s Homemade Southern-Style Biscuits From “Cookin’ It With Kix” – Deviled Eggs and several other of Kix’s famous southern recipes We also talked about a Pecan-Crusted Oven Fried Chicken that I used to make for my son’s birthday every year. I promise I’ll dig that recipe up and share it here soon.

Thanks for tuning in – xo

dB